Thursday, December 01, 2005

billy ocean meant it in a good way

Many years ago, I removed myself from the life of someone with whom I'd been friends for a long time. I'll call this person Clock. It was a decision that was long in coming, but easily made when Clock delivered one last insult. There had been many before, but this time, I had reached the point in my life where I realized, by definition, friends were people who didn't hurt me. That life was too precious to spend time with people who didn't appreciate me.

And although the decision was made quickly after that particular incident, it was not an easy decision. I was young enough that my fear of confrontation was still partly intact, so instead of having a heart-to-heart conversation with Clock, I simply cut off contact. I had actually tried to have just such a discussion many years earlier after another especially egregious act, but Clock was able to talk me out of it. I was much younger then.

It's one thing to lose touch with friends: that has happened more times than I can count. It's another altogether to intentionally, unilaterally shut it down. For several years, I thought about it often. I didn't question my decision. Still don't. I think I was just coming to terms with the manner in which I handled the situation. That was compounded by the fact that Clock continued to attempt contact with me on a regular basis. Those attempts have dwindled. My response has been consistent -- no response.

Over the years, Clock has slowed down communications, and I don't think about it as often as I once did. But there's one lingering after-effect of this process. Clock pops up in my dreams every once in a while. Although this phenomenon has also slowly abated, it has not completely disappeared. Clock moved in with us and quickly set up house in last night's dream, moving furniture, dispensing of our personal items, scrubbing every corner with bleach, and painting everything -- including the appliances -- white.

What was that I said about all the details in a dream being meaningful? Seriously, my interpretation is straightforward. Despite the decisive nature of my relationship-ending method, the situation is still unresolved. I wonder at what moment in my future will resolution be attained? Perhaps it never will be. Until then, I continue to live my life conscientiously and happily, knowing that every once in a while, I may have some dream interpretation to do.

No comments: